Survival is a Funny Thing
by DrewXIII
Summary: Two young men are in hopes to escape the horrible wrath that has befallen of Raccoon City. As they shelter themselves in an old abandon warehouse, they soon find out that their crazy antics are far worse than the zombies that are trying to kill them.
1. The Horror Begins, Sort Of

A/N: Thought of a new fic while playing that one flash game, The Last Stand. Kind of a crazy story of how I thought this through and I'm not sure that everybody will like it considering is a humor fic, which isn't really one of my strong suits. Anyways, if you like this fic and want it to be continued, please leave a review, ok?

Chapter 1

The Horror Begins – Sort Of

"Quick in here!" a young man cried out to his friend as he pointed to the nearby abandoned warehouse. The guy had unruly brown hair and was wearing a pale green jacket over a white shirt. He hastily ran over to the structure he was pointing to and opened the doors.

"I'm coming! I'm coming!" a second young man cried out, as he was being chased by a small horde of flesh-eating zombies. He had spiked up red hair and a faded black shirt which set him a contrast to the other fellow. He was in a state of panic even though he was clearly outrunning the zombies behind him. It wasn't long until he reached the warehouse as well.

The two closed the heavy metal doors shut and locked it just in time before the zombies managed to reach the door. The monster's loud banging at the door was heard, and the boys kept there hold as they blocked the entrance. The rattling and pounding soon stopped, and the moans of the undead soon faded away.

"Did they leave?" The red-haired guy asked, while trying to catch his breath.

"I think so." The brown-haired fellow responded, backing against the door and sitting down to rest.

"Man dude, you seriously need to work out more." The red-haired young man commented as they both sat down.

"What? I was practically holding up that door all by myself!" The brown-haired guy complained in disagreement.

"pfft…you wish." The red-head sarcastically remarked.

"Ok, enough arguing, we're going to be here for awhile so we might as well look for things we can use. Let's lock the door shut first before any of those monsters come back." The brown-haired young man said.

The two barred the door with a couple of wooden planks which held the handles of the metal doors in place and then they set out to find some items that can come in handy.

The brown-haired young man scavenged through a crate full of junk which he saw lying around. He soon found a dusty notebook; he scanned the pages to see that it hasn't been used yet. He thought that he could use it as a journal to keep track of their activity during their stay in this place in case things turn to the worse.

He grabbed a pen and started writing in the first page…

_Journal Entry #1_

_Hello, my name John Hawkins along side my friend, Chuck Winfred. I'm writing this journal to keep in check what we do during our stay here in this abandon warehouse we found. In case we don't survive, this will serve as a record for anybody who finds it._

_Me and Chuck use to be just simple citizen in this humble city of Racoon. I'll never forget the day that the news reported a large increase in murders inside the city during the past couple of weeks. It wasn't long until these monstrosities started popping out of nowhere, flesh eating zombies. I know no whack job would believe this but we know what we saw out there and I think these monsters have already taken over most of the city._

_And now, here we stand, resting in this warehouse, we escaped them for now, but I don't know how long we're going to survive through this._

_End of Journal Entry_

"John, I found something!" Chuck suddenly shouted out from another room just as John was about to finish up writing in his journal.

"What is it?" John asked, closing the notebook and putting it away for safe keeping.

"It's a gun!" Chuck answered, then…

**BANG!  
BANG!  
BANG!**

Three gunshots suddenly fired off from the other room. It seemed that Chuck fired at the roof to check if the weapon was still loaded.

"And it still has ammo in it!" Chuck shouted out again with enthusiasm.

"You idiot! Stop wasting it!" John shouted back annoyingly, marching into the room where Chuck was.

To Be Continued…

A/N: Well? What'd you guys think? Kind of a short chapter to begin with, I always do so in a new story, but I'm still not sure if you guys like it. If you do and want it to be continued then post a review, ok? Peace out.


	2. Time to Arm Ourselves

A/N: So I decided to continue this fic anyways, probably because I had some good ideas already planned out. Reading through the 4 reviews I got from the first chapter, I'd say this one didn't do so badly. Some people liked it after all.

Chapter 2

Time to Arm Ourselves with Whatever the Hell We Got

John emerged from the separating rooms of the abandoned warehouse they were in. For an ordinary warehouse, the venue seemed pretty well built to even support an orphanage. "Chuck, I managed to map out this place, it's actually quite huge." John remarked settling down a large paper on the table for his friend to see.

"Whoa, this place's got 5 other rooms?" the red head asked after getting a good look at the sketch. "Wonder what we could use them for?"

"Time will tell, so did you find any other items we could use?" John changed the subject, "I think I got a good lot." He said, rolling up the map and putting it in a backpack he had already found. He then set down a new set of items on the table and started going over them one by one.

"I found another handgun, 3 first aid kits, and an old rusty lighter that still works, plus I found this handy backpack to store it in. What about you?"

Soon Chuck started dictating the items he found lying around the warehouse, "You remember the gun I found awhile ago." He bragged again.

"Yeah, the one you wasted three bullets off." The brown-haired friend reminded him.

"Hey, I was testing if it had ammo in it." Chuck protested.

"You could have just looked in its clip."

"What if it was broken or something?"

"You know what? Forget it, what else did you find?" John said, getting annoyed by their argument over a simple handgun.

"Well, I got a this tool kit, but it got some stuff missing from it, a lot of boxes of 9mm bullets, and this really nice leather jacket, pretty cool, huh?" Chuck said with a cheesy grin, putting up rather dusty black zip-up leather jacket for his friend to see.

"Dude, we're fighting for our very lives and you're planning to die looking like a greaser?" John commented sarcastically.

"You're just jealous because you didn't find it first." The red-head said, putting on the jacket over his black shirt and dusting it up a bit.

The boy's conversation was then interrupted when large groans was heard from the front door followed by numerous pounding and scratching against it. Immediately recognize the growing threat, John and Chuck took all their items and stored them wisely for what's to come. They both loaded up their guns and positioned themselves on a fair and safe distance from the front door.

"Bet you I can kill more zombies than you." John said to his friend, taking his aim at the banging door.

"Ha! You wish." Chuck replied.

"Ok then, let's make this a good bet, winner gets to rest in the good bed while loser has to go out and look for survivors like we planned." The brown-haired young man explained.

"You are so going to regret this, it's a deal." Chuck said cockily.

It wasn't long until the warehouse's front doors swung open, revealing three grotesque undead civilians. The rotting flesh can be seen as the small horde mumbled and groaned while entering the building. Squinting his eyes to get a better view, John held his gun steady and pulled the trigger, nailing one of the zombies right between the eyes and sending it falling towards the hard pavement.

Chuck didn't bother taking good aim as he just bombarded the next zombie with bullets on the body. Blood spewed all over the floor as the monster collapsed on the floor, not bearing to take any more bullets.

"I am not cleaning that up." John remarked seeing the mess his red-headed friend made. "One left and mine for the taking."

"No fair, my gun's not working," Chuck said, pulling the trigger to his gun repeatedly and seeing that nothing was coming out.

"Your loss, you used up all your ammo." The brown-haired young man reminded, setting up for another good aim at the remaining undead foe.

"Dude, wait up, it's still got 5 rounds in it." The red-head exclaimed, checking the clip and quickly resuming pulling the trigger.

"What? It's broken?" John asked, drawing away from his aim to check up on his friend's malfunctioning weapon as well.

Meanwhile, as the two were hassling about their firearms, the last remaining zombie just kept moving, desperately trying to reach them across the warehouse room.

"Damn it, work." Chuck complained, continuing to pull the trigger of the handgun but with no success.

The zombie moved closer…

"C'MON!" Chuck shouted out.

The zombie was already at point-blank, and it prepared to make its strike upon the two while they were still caught off-guard.

**BOOM!**

Chuck's handgun suddenly fired a bullet out of nowhere and in succession taking down the gruesome monster that was about to attack them. "Finally! Now to kill that…" the red-headed young man stopped to notice that the last enemy was already dead. He then looked to see that his pistol was still smoking from the report.

"Booyah! See what I told you?!" Chuck gloated after assuming that he fired the winning kill. "Bow down before my awesomeness!"

John then looked to see that what his friends was talking about was indeed true, "No fair! I was trying to help you with your gun!" he complained.

"You snooze you lose, buddy." Chuck continued to brag, giving his friend a pat on the back in symbol of good competition. "Now who's going to go out and look for survivors?" he reminded with a sarcastic tone.

"I hate you." John said in annoyance, admitting defeat.

It wasn't long until the two cleaned up the aftermath of their first fight for survival. John, seeing that he lost the bet, reloaded his gun and shouldered his backpack filled with things he might require in preparation of venturing out the night. "You remember the plan?" he asked his comrade who was resting and relaxing on a comfortable mattress laid out on the floor.

"Yeah, yeah, if you're not back after an hour then it means something's gone wrong." Chuck replied.

"Good."

John then exited out of the safety of the warehouse and out in the distraught city that used to be Racoon. The two planned to do some good while they have the protection of the warehouse with them, going out from time to time to look for other survivors they could help and assist. John was dibs to do it first, and he knew just by looking at the onslaught and carnage setting adjacent to their building…

"This isn't going to be easy." The brown-haired young man said to himself.

To Be Continued…

A/N: Hope you guys liked this chapter, please review, please!


	3. You Have Gained a New Party Member

A/N: I've noticed that not much people read Resident Evil fics around here, more importantly, I've noticed that very few people pay attention to humor fics about Resident Evil. Eh, whatever, I really should be thankful that I have some readers that are tuning in to this story. Here's an update.

Chapter 3

You Have Gained a New Party Member

John traversed the gruesome wasteland that was once the humble city of Raccoon. The horrific site of the slaughtered corpses and gashes of blood across the deserted streets sent chills down the brown-haired man's spine. He was in luck that there were no undead enemies as far as the eye can see. But John wasn't out to look for something to pleasingly kill, he needed to find some survivors to help and lead towards their warehouse.

Hawkins just kept walking with his pistol gripped tightly in his hands, just in case some zombie comes popping out of nowhere to take a bite out of him. Still no sign of anything, John wasn't about to give up just yet so he felt he could search a bit longer.

Suddenly, the moans and grunts sounded off from a distance like before. But this time there was something else; a cry for help accompanied the monstrous echoes.

"SOMEBODY HELP!" an endangered feminine voice cried out again. "SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP!"

Without a moment too soon, John darted to where the S.O.S. originated. Hastily running across the darkened alleyways he finally reached the scenario. A girl, no older than John, had her back against the wall trapped while the zombies menacingly made their way towards here. "HELP!" she cried out again as the fear froze her into place.

"Duck!" John suddenly ordered, setting his aim for the monster from behind. The girl did so, followed by him pulling the trigger. The precision of the shot caused the zombie's head to implode upon impact, rendering it completely distraught.

The current danger subsiding, John helped up the young girl to her feet, as aforementioned she was no older than he was, she had short light brown hair and an innocent face to match. "Thank you for saving me." she said in a gracious tone but it was soon cut off when the groans and moans returned again. It seemed that the nightmare isn't over yet.

"That's not good." Hawkins said. Hearing that the noises were going louder by the second, he then grabbed the girl by her wrist and started making a necessary escape. "C'mon, we got to get out of here."

It wasn't long until the zombies came into view. It wasn't just one target this time around. It was a considerable horde that probably won't be enough for a lone gun man to handle so best choice is to run at this point.

Tailed by their possible demise, the two continued in their efforts to out run the threat and make it to the warehouse. "Thank you again for saving me awhile ago," the young girl alongside John said again.

"Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Less talking, more running." John hastily replied, still keeping his speed.

"My name is Alicia, what's yours?" she kept asking.

"Listen, if you don't mind can we talk later? Cause we're kind of being chased by monsters right now, ok?" he reasoned, trying to make her focus on the current situation.

"Oh right, sorry." She apologized shyly.

Soon the familiar warehouse came into view; wasting very little time, John barged right through the large doubled doors and ran straight in with Alicia still with him. He was expecting his good friend Chuck to be armed and ready to close the door immediately but instead he saw him lying down comfortably in the same mattress he left him.

"Dude! What are you doing?!" The brown-haired young man said panicking.

"Oh, you're back, that was quick…" Chuck replied and then noticed who was with his friend, "…and I see you found a girlfriend."

"CHUCK! DOOR!" John screamed out loud, pointing at the warehouse entrance wide open and the zombies a few blocks from reach.

"What the hell are you- WHOAH! DAMN!" The red-head then noticed as well. Chuck then rushed towards the door to close it but the undead corpses were close enough already. Thinking quickly, John brought out his gun and started taking pot shots at the enemies, covering his partner-in-crime while he shut the door tight. Forcing out the undead corpses, Chuck locked the door safely and securely ending the danger.

Finally comfortable safely in their sanctuary, John sat down on where he was in order to catch his breathe after all's that happened. "I'm glad that's over." He said tiring; he then looked over to see that they have now a new resident to the abandon warehouse. "Don't worry, you'll be safe here." John said to Alicia which formed a smile on her face.

"Thank you again." She said.

"Name's John, John Hawkins," he introduced himself to her. "And you're Alicia right?"

"Uh-huh, Alicia Ashton." She replied with a nod.

"I'm Chuck Winfred, pleasure to meet your little lady." The red-head introduced himself as well. "Well, plenty of rooms here, so just make yourself right at home."

"You can take any room you like." John said in hospitality, pointing out to the different choices she had. She simply gave a nod before disappearing into one of the rooms to see for herself. Now calm and relieved, John brought out his journal again to chat down some things.

_Journal Entry #2_

_Our first attempt to find other survivors was successful. We found a young girl named Alicia Ashton, we still don't know much about her but I can tell that she can be trusted and could be of great help to us. She seemed young, I guess you can I say I'm a tad older than her but she held her own out there. Now she's quietly browsing around the warehouse to see which room she'd like to rest in._

_Hopefully our next attempt will be like this, minus the chase scene. Well, we won't know for sure, good thing is it's Chuck's turn to go out and not mine. All I need to do is sit back and relax while he does the dirty work for a change._

_That's all for now, I better go check up on Alicia_

"AGH! THERE'S A COCKROACH!" John suddenly heard his new found female companion from one of the rooms, making him stop for a quick second in his writing.

_P.S. She's afraid of roaches, better go look for pesticides._

_End of Journal Entry_

To Be Continued…

A/N: Liked this chapter? Then please review, and if it's not so much to ask, can you get other people to read this fic too? I'm not asking for much, but if you don't want to, it's fine by me. Don't worry, I'm still going to continue updating.


	4. John's Guide on Using Firearms

A/N: Update time, and let me just take this time to show my appreciation to the people who took their time to post a review for this fic, look, I know that not a whole lot of people read Resident Evil fics and in result barely few people review a fic about one. So, much obliged good readers. Onward with the update!

Chapter 4

John's Guide on Using Firearms

"Are you doing okay?" John asked, walking into Alicia's newly settled room to provide some company for the young lady. "So how do you like the room?" He then looked around to see that everything was as simple as it could get, a simple mattress for her to sleep in, some personal belongings which she must've kept to herself, and many among others. For an old abandon warehouse, it was a good start.

"Hi John, yeah the room is great." Alicia Ashton replied, quietly taking a seat on the edge of the mattress that was flat-bed across the floor. She dusted her jeans lightly before hugging her legs close to her body, a gesture which made John think that something's wrong.

"Problem?" The brown-haired young man asked in concern, sitting down next to her.

"Oh! I-It's nothing really!" she replied, trying to make herself sound like everything's fine in order to stop young Hawkins from worrying. But she couldn't hold it in as tears then started falling from her deep brown eyes.

She didn't completely break down as she simply wiped some of them clean off her cheeks. "I'm sorry…" she explained, though the deep sense of sadness was still in her voice. "…I'm just…scared, I guess. With what's been happening lately…it's just too much to sit through."

"Don't worry, we'll make it out of here." John said, putting a hand on her shoulder to ease some of the emotions. "I promise."

_But deep down, I'm afraid too…if only those words I said just now were set in stone._

"I think I should leave you alone now." The 21 year-old survivor stood up from his seat and started making his way out of the humble room. He suddenly felt Alicia grabbing his hand to stop him from moving any further.

"Wait, John, please stay…j-just for awhile longer." She said shyly. John looked back at her and reckoned that she didn't want to be alone at the moment. After reconsidering, John resumed his seat and brought out his backpack instead.

"Ok I'll stay, but here, take this." He then took out and offered a simple handgun to her, identical to the one she's seen him use before. "You know, in case of emergencies." He explained.

"A gun? But John, I don't know how to use one of these." Alicia protested, declining his offer. "What if I accidentally hurt someone I don't want to?"

"Relax, it's easy, let me show you." John interrupted; he then took a nearby empty wine bottle and placed it on a table in a fair distance in the room.

"First off, you hold the gun tightly in your hands." He said, handing her the firearm and helping her up to her feet. She then followed his instructions as she griped the handle. "Next, you plant your feet steady to the ground."

After doing so, John moved behind her so he can walk her through aiming properly. "You're doing well so far. Ok, now keep your arms straight when you're aiming." He explained, supporting her hands which made Alicia blush uncomfortably. "Now, look straight at your target…" he whispered to her ear from behind. "Then pull the trigger." The bottle was then blown into pieces as it was shot straight off the table.

"I did it!" Alicia cheered, feeling proud of herself of such an accomplishment. She turned around then gave John a hug in appreciation for his help. John was caught off guard a bit when she suddenly wrapped her arms around him to form a hug, it wasn't long until shades of red started to form on his face.

"Ahem."

The two then looked to see that Chuck was at the doorway, with a sly grin on his face. "Alicia, I guess I'll see you later." John said, seeing that his friend likely has something to say to him. He broke from the hug and bade his farewell.

"Oh, ok, thanks for teaching me how to use this." Alicia said putting the firearm away as well while the guys exited the room.

"Getting a bit too chummy with Ally, huh?" Chuck joked, giving a playful punch on John's shoulder.

"Hey, I was just teaching her how to use a weapon." The brown-haired survivor defended. "You never know what's going to happen next, so it's better if we're prepared."

"You never really told me how you learned to fire a gun." Chuck mentioned, straightening his black leather jacket which he found not so long ago.

"My old man was in the force, he showed me a thing or two, never really thought it'd come in handy someday."

The partners then reached the main room of the abandon warehouse, the place where they set things out like before. "So what do we do now?" Chuck asked, seating himself down in front of the table where they had the warehouse map lay out.

"Your turn to look for survivors," John said with a smile of satisfaction in his face.

"Do I have to?" the red-head complained.

"Hey, I risked my neck out there to help Ally, now it's your turn to help out some people." The brown-haired young man explained as he was running a check through his inventory.

"Oh I see what you're trying to do." Chuck suddenly said hysterically, which in turn left a confused expression on his comrade's face.

"You're just trying to get rid of me so you'll have some alone time with Alicia." He pointed out with a devious grin.

"What?! You're just being paranoid, Chuck." John replied. He was trying to prove his friend wrong but it didn't help as the red-head had the thought in too deep.

"Eh, whatever, I'm going anyways…" Chuck said, getting his equipment and heading out of the venue. "Try to go easy on her now." He joked as he exited.

"I told you nothing is going on between us!" John commented in annoyance.

To Be Continued…

A/N: Shedding some light on our characters here a bit. Still deciding on how the survivors are going to interact with each other and whether or not another addition to the group will be made. Anyways, please review and see you on my next update.

Peace out.


	5. Some Time Alone

A/N: What's up everybody, I recently made a group illustration of the characters in the fic and I posted it on Deviant Art. If you're interested in checking it out on your spare time, it's titled "Survivor Group" and I use the same username as I use it here. I know it isn't good or anything but I'm working on that. Here's the update, same old same old, please read and review.

Chapter 5

Some Time Alone

_Journal Entry #3_

_Chuck just left the warehouse for his fair turn on going to look for some survivors. He'll pull through, I knew Chuck and he may get a bit of a goofball sometimes but he can take necessary measures to turn any situation around to his favor._

_And speaking of him being a goofball, he was picking on me before he left. He was being paranoid that I was making a move on Alicia. I was just trying to be a nice guy, she needed help on more than one occasion and I tried to be there to lend a hand, nothing wrong with that, right?_

_I shouldn't really be wasting pages writing this nonsense. If what Chuck was saying isn't true then I shouldn't be making a big fuss about it, I mean, me and Alicia are just friends. A bit short-lived, I got to say, but JUST friends._

_If anyone is reading this right now, please just skip to the next entry because what I wrote in this one is what I think is nothing but a load of bullsh-_

_End of Journal Entry_

John closed his journal shut in frustration, clearly what Chuck said troubled him and the thoughts were still continuously haunting his mind.

_We're just friends…_

_We're just friends…_

_We're just friends…_

_Friends…_

_ARGH!!!_

The chanting wouldn't stop buzzing in his ear. Normally, John was the one in the group who always had his mind clear and focus headstrong compared to his friend, Chuck. But this time it was different, really different, and some how the brown-haired young man just wanted to pull the power chord that was running his thinking cap.

Trying to ease himself and maybe regain his composure, John walked over to his mattress that was lying across the floor like everybody else's. He laid himself back and covered his eyes with his gloved hands to force some sleep. The entire surroundings were peacefully quiet but his mind was like a chaotic battlefield.

_Damn it, we're just friends…_

_We're just friends…_

_We're just-_

He was then bluntly interrupted as he heard footsteps from across the room. Sitting upright, he took a good look on who it was. "Alicia?" he pointed out, the fair brown-haired girl was there, backing up against the arch of her doorway and looking worried for him.

"Is something wrong, John?" she asked innocently, walking over to him.

"Uh…nothing, everything's fine!" John replied, he then hastily put his things away, having them scrapped around all over the place seem rather embarrassing in front of the little lady even if it was just the main room. "So, what's up?" he then asked back, returning to his feet clumsily and giving a cheesy grin after finishing up his quick spring cleaning.

Alicia found the look on his face to be a bit amusing as she gave a gentle laugh about it. She then looked around, noticing that they were one survivor short for full attendance. "Where's Chuck?"

"He went out to go look for other survivors…and maybe get some supplies we might need to keep lasting the night." The brown-haired young man answered.

"Supplies? Like what?" she continued asking, suddenly, a faint grumbling sounded off from the young girl's stomach. Her cheeks then burst red over the embarrassment.

"Like something to fix that." John commented, trying to hold off his laugh.

"Come on now, it wasn't that funny." Alicia argued jokingly, seeing how entertained John looked next to her.

"It is to me." He replied, smiling at her with still a couple of laughs left in him.

The comedy eventually ended and silence engulfed the warehouse interior yet again. John and Alicia simply sat patiently on one of the mattress on the floor, waiting for Chuck to come back and report on his findings. Soon, boredom got the better of the two, Alicia then saw John's backpack lying carelessly near them. "John, do you mind me taking a look?" she asked, making a gesture towards it.

"Sure, no prob." John replied, getting a good reach for his backpack and handing it to her politely. Alicia just rummaged through the old thing, she wasn't at all disrespectful as to shamble everything inside but instead neatly went through its contents. Some time, she then found something interesting.

"Hey John?" she called his attention, "Is this yours?" she asked, taking out a policeman badge from the backpack for him to see. "I didn't know you were Raccoon Police."

"Oh, that's my dad's." John answered.

"I see, he was a police officer?" Alicia continued, taking a closer look at the badge.

"Yeah, one of the best in the force," the expression on John's face then shifted noticeably from earlier, he looked as if he was a bit sad about the subject.

"What happened to him?" she then asked.

John suddenly felt silent and the saddened stare in his eyes only worsened.

"Oh…I-I'm sorry." Alicia apologized, noticing what she just did.

"No, it's fine." John replied, making himself sound like the conversation wasn't big of a deal to him.

The awkward silence continued to entrance the room. There was still no sign of Chuck, John's previous attempt didn't take this long. Starting to worry, the brown-haired young man got up from his seat and started pacing towards the double-door entrance. "Chuck, should've been here by now." He explained. "Something's wrong." Without further question, John then brought out his handgun and reloaded it. He checked his wrist watch one last time.

_Hour's up._

"I'm coming too." Alicia said, with a look of determination in her face. John simply nodded in response before unlocking and opening the entrance door.

To Be Continued…

A/N: Still not much going on in this chapter, a kind of Part 2 to the previous one. But don't worry you guys, I'm going to make it up to you on the next one, I promise. Well, I guess that's about it for now. Please review, ok?

Peace Out.


End file.
